October Changed Me

Somehow, the month of October brings memories I wish were never there. I lost my dad on Oct. 19, 2015. The following day was something I never thought I would be facing at the young age of 24. If I could rewrite the things that happened, I would change them. But God stepped into my life as my dad on that day. He started working out His divine plan through the loss.

I was somebody who loved to sing songs to God. I would take an hour to sing songs to God. Things changed after I lost my dad. Singing almost died in me. The joy in my heart was lost. I knew what it was to be completely broken. The magnitude of the loss was too hard on my family, and few understood it. Some losses can never be understood unless we experience them. Until then, they will be just a story. But experiences like this can turn a life upside down.

Looking back, God took charge of my life and changed me. He strengthened me. I stopped expecting people to understand me at one point. God replaced my dad with my husband in that place. It took him a while to understand me and my scars. But I know he is God's choice for me. His extroverted personality was quite the opposite of mine. I still remember the first few months of our marriage, when he would come home every evening, with so much love in his eyes, to meet me. I used to wonder how this man could love me like this.

For years, I mourned for my dad. A tough day or a tough word from someone would trigger the scar, and I would end up broken again and again. But God put tough people, tough challenges, and tough situations in my life again and again until I was no longer scared of them. Yes, God's way of parenting is different.

Looking back, life was never easy after I lost my dad. And God moulded me into a tough person, too. The endurance, the patience, the love, and the forgiveness that life demanded of me were never easy. But God strengthened me to do that. The flames never burnt me but brought out the best in me.

I have wondered many times. As I was already going through a loss, wouldn't it be nice if I had comfort in every place around me? But for a soldier, for a warrior of God, God chose a different path.

After marriage, I mentioned an incident from the past to my husband. It happened after I lost my dad. A person whom I visited in Madurai parked a car in the middle of a busy road and left me there to cross the road and reach the bus station. I did it, and when I got into the bus, I was struggling with my tears. I was missing my dad, missing a loving, firm hand that could have supported me while crossing that crazy road. I was that timid and sensitive, and I relied on my parent.

God took my hand and prepared my hand to wage tough wars.

Recently, when my husband asked me to travel to Tuticorin on my own, he made sure I didn't rely on anyone to pick me up from the station. He made sure I didn't expect comfort from people. My heart felt glad when he said, "Ani ma, you need to find transport to reach your sister's house." I know that instruction carried so much love.

The heart of my heavenly Father was like that, too. He made sure I never waited for people to help me, understand me, or show me compassion. No. He was my help. He was my strength. He was my guide.

That doesn't mean I am not sensitive at all these days. These days, I am sensitive when somebody else feels the way I once felt. That understanding of people who are vulnerable is what God has taught me all these years.

Hey friend, has life been tough for you? You don't need to long for people to act sensitively towards you. Know that you have a God who knows and understands everything you feel, you go through. We are the sons and daughters of the God of the armies. Hold His hand and be ready to break the mountains to pieces. Be ready to walk through the flames. Be ready to walk on water. Be ready for the toughest days and the toughest fights.

One day, you will realise how much you have crossed with your heavenly Father's help. How much God has accomplished through the timid you. And trust me, God will restore the joy you have lost. God will make you laugh again.

We have a cloud of witnesses who have crossed through life before us, standing firm for God in the middle of challenges. Just set your heart to run in the path that is set for you by God.

As I write all this, I remember a friend who studied MA English with me at Lady Doak College. She lost her parents, and when we were having a conversation about God, she said, “No, Anitha, your life is perfect. You have great parents, and you are the only daughter. Look at my life. I have lost my parents. I don't have any trust in God. I don't have a reason to.”

Yes, some people move away from God when life is tough on them. But, my friend, I insist that in the midst of hopelessness, fall into the arms of God. Be open about how you feel about everything. He listens. He never rejects us in our toughest hours. He will never leave us alone.

I would like to say a small prayer for you.

Dear God, as I remember the loving life of my dad, Sobitharaj, I thank You for all the paths You have taken me through. Thank You for strengthening me. I pray that You strengthen everybody here who is going through tough times. May they be strengthened by You to stand as brave soldiers in Your army. May they find their present help in You. May You be their comfort, joy, hope, and future.

In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen.